Something Worth Saying
by Illicit Ivory
Summary: This is a one shot of something that should have really happened in the finale but didn't. This is the doctor saying Goodbye to Rose and how he might feel seeing his homeworld again, could possibly lead to a story in the future. Be nice, R&R all that jazz


**Okay I'm fairly certain this is a one-shot but might do a story in the near future, I'm a casual fan of Doctor Who, stumbled into it really. Had to do this as the tie-up of the Doctor and Rose was quite frustrating! Yet another red herring, like Sparrabeth and the like! Hope you like it R&R please. **

**To my loyal readers of my Labyrinth and Indiana Jones stories, I'm getting back to them fairly soon, I swear!**

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Something worth Saying

He was ill for many days as he always was after regeneration, after all it wasn't as simple as an ailment; a broken limb or exhaustion. It was a rebirth, another chance of life, his eleventh life. After the euphoria of still being alive was gone came the melancholy. Cascades of voices and memories rippling over and over again through his mind but he couldn't dwell on them now. He'd make time for that, he could make time for anything if he truly wanted it. It was fear that stopped the Doctor from doing so, his stomach tied in knots as he thought of her, she who had control of her fate up to the very end despite the arrogance of a Galifreyan who had no right interfering but did anyway.

From the moment he saw her he knew he had done a great wrong simply by being there, even though he asked each of the crew, scanned the computer and made pleasantries, he knew deep down who they were. Captain Adelaide Brooke's hard stare would haunt him most nights and if not her it would be the wailing of a soothsayer predicting the doom of her planet as they fell back into the void. Galifrey, his beautiful home reduced to a pyre of madness and vengeance that had no limit. Some nights he wouldn't dream at all and then without warning he would see that icy stare again. She was not swayed by him, not by his inexplicable presence, not by his determination to save them, not by the TARDIS. She had a destiny that would inspire, that would be revered but he took it all away from her. A Timeline shattered in a whirr from a Police Box. The time lord had a bad habit of underestimating people and with that horrid flash of light, when Adelaide took her own life, she took the Doctor's with her. Staggering in shock back into the TARDIS he vowed and hoped never to be as selfish as he was that day.

"Past is Past" He whispered to himself as he slipped off the suede coat, erasing yet another signature only to right another. Leather, Tartan, velvet, chequered, he scattered and tried them all. Fashion was forsaken as he picked up a tweed coat with elbow patches. It did not suit the youth that masked a 900-year-old man.

"Regenerate, makes you look and feel younger...because you're worth it!" He jested at the mirror, instinctively he looked around for an audience, there was none. Fresh memories started flowing back to him, he remembered relaying a message but he couldn't remember to whom. All he could think of was the determination to do it. Sure enough on a key pad lay a blue disc, with three curved claws – A plinth. Beside it was one scribbled sentence.

"You know...think"

He turned away from the console already knowing the answer but refusing to dwell, refusing to indulge in a memory that would torment him for years to come; Rose Tyler. What was worse what the fact he was forced to be reluctant matchmaker for his human twin, he would get all that the real doctor ever wanted. To Just Stop and to simply be, to find peace with her at his side for as long as he could. But Bad Wolf was too far off in time now. He had since broken a sacred law since then and drove a woman to suicide. He forced his home planet back to the oblivion back to what he ran from all those years ago the doctor knew after all that he would never have the courage to look Rose in the eye.

He thought of Donna Noble, his dearly daft Donna who against all odds and without his help achieved her happy ending. This was the doctor's one shred of solace, his one excuse of self-satisfaction: Her story came out right in the end. Out of the dozens that did not; those that died, cursed his name for meeting them, those left alone. He left so many companions alone but the loneliest of them all was Sarah-Jane

As he teased her in that strange reunion at the school he thought about how she would have had the world at her feet by now: Sarah Jane Smith defender of the Earth, plucky, daring delightful and brilliant. She was all those things and more but he caught the sadness in her eyes and the doctor knew it was his doing. Perhaps that was the real reason behind his indifference towards Martha, he didn't mean to act as cold as he was but it was simply his way of dealing with it.. He was wounded by the loss of Rose and he didn't really want a companion but he needed one. Wanting and needing were two different things that always cancelled each other out. He wanted Rose but needed company, someone to talk to, to battle alongside and as Donna gravely put 'Someone to stop him'.

Maybe it was a premonition even then of what was to come, in a way that's what made the Doctor love Donna the most. She forced him to face his demons and to quell his wrath when it needed quelling, Donna was unafraid that was the most baffling thing of all. She was unafraid of the ugliness that faced a time lord.

The newly regenerated Doctor fought the fatigue with a firm shake of the head before smoothing a hand over his wild jet black hair. Peering over at the Com he stared long at the disc before finally deciding to view it. Slotting it to the nearest coupling he watched a blur of blue appear beside him. The ghost of his former self stood with a clenched jaw as he stifled the pain, it had been a few centuries since he watched his own obituary.

A Parallel universe away a man was dreaming of a blazing planet, a soothsayer wailing and a man of the worst menace leering at him from a council chamber.

"To betray Galifrey is to die' He sneered

Rose Tyler-Smithson entered the room where her new husband was sleeping, she was carrying two cups of tea with the spoon still left in the mug. Frowning at her absent-mindedness she placed one cup on a cabinet and took her in both hands, she stirred the tea twice before tapping it against the polka-dot china.

She tapped it four times.

It was then John Smithson sat up, bleary-eyed and nonsensical as he quietly bleated three words

"...The Lord President?" He murmured, yawning he shook his head and began registering the images of his dream. The burning planet was Galifrey, it was always burning – it was the last he saw of it before he ran far into the galaxy to forget. But somehow it felt wrong, it didn't seem like a memory at all and there was one stray satellite. His home world has two and both were Orange, what he dreamt was something of an Ivory grey colour. Very much like that of....

"You can't be both you know, you either one or the other never both. Wow that kind of power eh? Who would trust that?" Rose chirped after sipping her brew.

"Either one of what...?" John cringed warily

"A lord or a president, after all the worlds you've been in that's quite a silly blunder. You get mad dreams you do, don't mind them" Rose replied and kissed him slow and tender.

Any other morning, he would have pulled her into his arms and delayed the rest of the day; just to be with her in bed. No troubles, no in-laws just them. But the dream haunted him and he thought long and hard before he was about to dismiss it but then Rose tapped her nail on the mug....Four times. He said nothing at first but she did it again. He flung himself out of bed and frantically started to dress.

"Eh, eh what's this? You do remember jokes right unless there is some world out there that really does have Lord President?" Rose was bemused as she watched her new husband yank up his jeans and threw on a top so wildly she thought he would rip the seams.

"Yes, yes there is....Mine" John Smithson rushed out of bedroom and grabbed his shoes, madly hopping about as he pulled them on. His wife peered out of the room watched the scene unfolding, something was wrong but she felt calm. But any calm in their lives never lasted for long.

"So you dreamt of Galifrey? It was only a dream, why all the panic?" Rose was shaking her head in confusion before reaching out to him, he stopped briefly to give her his answer. The idea of what he thought was going was tying knots in his stomach.

"Of all the things I have told you about Galifrey they were all memories, none of them were dreams. I've never dreamt of my home world, those last days were too horrific. It was no dream Rose" John said gravely as he clutched her shoulders.

"Then how, how can you know something's wrong?" Rose was stammering now, for she knew the answer already, she greatly feared the scenario for over a year and now it was finally happening. _The Doctor's in danger. She was alarmed when John unconvincingly made his reply_.

"I don't" With that he slammed the door behind him, Rose shook her head in stunned silence spilling her tea over her hand: The scald was the least of her worries. Opening the door she found her husband dashing about the hallway getting his things together. Hopping on his shoes, scuffling with his coat, skimming a rough hand against his face, worry was written all over it.

You're lying, what are you hiding from me?" Rose's voice was firm and confident, she felt there was no need to worry just yet from whatever the hell was happening.

"Oh alright Miss Clever-Clogs you tell me? Oh wise and wonderful soothsayer....God there's goes Donna's echo again" John snapped with biting cruelty, it was the biggest indication that something was deeply wrong.

Donna's echo was a term John Smithson used whenever he was spontaneously cruel or mischievous, he had yet to accept that it really could be just his newfound human nature. To accept he could lose patience, time and energy or to take anything out on Rose. He had no TARDIS now, no means of escape should he put a foot wrong for he could hide in his science. But there was no hiding from Rose or that single heartbeat that murmured in his chest. Rose pursed her lips and John knew that excuse had very little worth anymore.

"The metacrisis again, alright don't tell me if you don't want to but should it jeopardize the planet please let me know" She stood in front of him and deflected the rejection with perfect sarcasm, she was hurt but she hid it. But not far enough for John to ignore it, as she began walking away he grabbed her wrist, saying nothing.

"I'm angry because I'm not sure how to say this, the past few days I've been feeling hollow, out of sorts, very uneasy. As if I need to sleep forever...there's only one occasion to make me feel like that" John replied in a whisper. He didn't want to talk about him, for talking about him brought on an inadequacy that he hadn't felt for centuries.

"You're linked to each other, you and the Doctor like Donna is: I knew it all the time and you said nothing, you're such a dark horse!" Rose tried to make a joke and shake John from his sulking but it didn't work.

"He's dead and has been reborn again...He's regenerated Rose" John exclaimed, he avoided her stare for his lone jealous heart couldn't take it. Instead he picked up his door keys and walked out of the flat. He dawdled awhile listening to her gasps and waiting for her to string a sentence. He was silent but inside he grappled with the monster of green eyes as it tried to possess him.

"Wh-when, is he okay do you think? Do you really feel him?

He said nothing

"Do you?"

"Gaius..._do you feel him? Is he okay?" _Rose demanded, tears flowed freely this time as she robbed the name that once burned in the stars and became like any other. It was a double-blow for John, it was a risk to tell her his true name as it brought too much heartache and the pain came thick and fast as ever.

"He is as he always is, fine, forlorn, troubled, weak. For God's sake Rose we've done it ten times before why should this be any different?" John pleaded amid his quiet sobs, he saw the realisation of her error in his wife's eyes but it was too late. So she pressed on regardless, albeit with great guilt.

"I just wondered if you feel his loneliness that's all" She shrugged barely getting the words unstuck in her throat

"No...But I do feel mine" John sniffled and he walked out the door without looking back, the noise of the closed door rumbled like thunder. Rose was left shattered and emotionally overwrought and refused the idea of losing both the doctor and her John.

Suddenly he burst back in and swaggered to where she stood, taking her in his arms he kissed her passionately. Tears were still falling from eyes of both brown and green, he pulled back then kissed her again before tracing a gentle hand over her pale check. There was no explanation to give as yet so he simply kissed her forehead and left.

John began walking not knowing where he was going, he walked and walked to find answers. He found them amid a sea of people. The life flow of London buzzed around him like a rushing river, he scanned every indifferent face that passed him looking for a knowing stare. After searching for an hour he was ready to head back home to Rose, giving in a little to easily as he wasn't ready to face the Doctor. Then out from the sea of people walked a young man, youth had reclaimed the doctor again. Tousled-haired and chiselled-jawed he stuck out very loud from the crowd in his cream tweed coat. Complete with brown elbow patches and bow tie, John was appalled.

"How long since?" John remarked as he eyed up the youthful face that masked a man of centuries old.

"A few days, I'm still recovering...radiation you see? A big bucket load of the stuff, never so much before hope to never have again" The Doctor winced, sinking his hands into his pockets he avoided John's stare.

"Still recovering? I should think so too you look awful! Tweed, why on Earth would you go back to tweed?" John replied disapprovingly.

"I'm not sure yet, new traits of persona. People have been bumping into me all the way down here and I'm saying sorry. Which means politeness or reserve perhaps? Something like that" The Doctor said sheepishly as he fixed his jacket with a very strange sense of pride.

"It's a question I've been dreading but I must ask, I dreamt of Galifrey last night but only with one moon, one satellite. I heard Oona the soothsayer screaming, I saw...I saw the Lord President. Which means the time lock is broken, yes?" John Smithson calculated with great flippancy but also great caution in every word for his was fear of the answer.

Words were not found, instead the young man just nodded his eyes just glazed over, letting no emotion slip. But John remembered the maelstrom he used to keep inside, becoming human was quite the liberation.

"H-How is that possible? I saw Earth's moon with our planet almost in the same axis-" John snapped, stunned at the revelation, nausea was rising in the pit of his stomach but he ignored it.

"The master, it turns out the drumming wasn't a ripple from Earth's future but from the past...our past" The Doctor sighed as they began walking together after too many faces started frowning at the obstacles in their path due to the ' brothers' conversation.

"Did you save it? Galifrey, the council? John whimpered, as a human he was beginning to believe in the impossible despite being infinitively rational. He started to daydream about one day going home, maybe on the day of his death.

"Of course I couldn't, the time lock is reversed but that doesn't mean the war is, the Lord President was once a good and noble teacher. In the end he became a despot as you very well know"

"But then the whole universe would be in anarchy, parallels blurred into other parallels; why hasn't that happened yet?" John frowned

"The Lord President gained the upper hand, the master could neither bargain or exploit them so for once he made the right choice, he broke the channel and went back to Galifrey" The fop reached into his pocket and threw the hologram disc into his 'brother's' direction.

"That's explains everything, it's not pretty...prepare her, prepare yourself. You're not gonna like what I have to say one bit. No point in me staying any longer, I'd say something stupid like give Rose my love but you know better. So does she, Goodbye Gaius" The youthful Doctor turned around and started walking.

"If the time lock is breeched that would mean-"

"You don't know that, nobody knows that....prepare yourself, that's all I'll say....Oh and give this to Rose, a parting gift" The doctor threw the holodisc to John, jealousy reigned supreme once more.

"You can't expect me to believe that's it, that you're leaving for good?" John guffawed and he stuffed the TARDIS remnant in his pocket.

"I'll be back when I'm needed"

With that the doctor was gone.

His twin went home with a heavy heart, he slowed his pace and deliberated how he was to tell Rose he finally saw him. Knowing her eyes would light up and dim again like they did that day on the beach, holding hands and an awkward silence. The joy of finally being together was not like he imagined but then he had never been second-best before. John Smithson was tempted to have a drink and drown in his quagmire of sorrows and pretend to be like any other human who had had a bad day.

But then it wasn't just a bad day, unlike a normal human being he was aware of the infinity of the universe and a parallel Earth that had almost been destroyed – by his own planet no less. He wanted to fight, he wanted to be back in his TARDIS and fight but John stopped and checked for the real reason: He simply wanted to see Galifrey, one last time. It didn't matter it was still gripped in terror and anarchy to be there and to find a way to help would have been enough.

John immersed himself with thoughts so deep that the rest of his body went on Auto pilot and before long he was back outside the flat, their modern, minimalist flat. The doctor came back and even though the flat was his, the city was now his, he felt like a stranger again. The woman that he loved did not really love him, she loved the doctor – John Smithson was a default, a fraud but his resilience was strong.

"I deserve this, _I deserve this_" He whispered to himself before taking a deep breath and walked inside, he had travelled so far, for so long. This reward belonged to him: Rose, the flat, the new job. Why couldn't he have the normal life?

She sat watching television, giving away her nervousness by ruffling her hair John gave a sheepish grin before turning off the TV. It was a while before he turned to face her.

"I saw him....The Doctor. I felt his presence here and I found him I didn't know what it was at first" John murmured, Rose sat bolt upright.

"Was he okay, any pain, any injuries?"

"Of course not, he's a new man sweetheart, a lot younger, he's figuring all out still I saw it in his eyes. It's like when you spin around as a child, you don't where's up or down. He's feel like that for a while until..."

"Until he finds someone" Rose remarked with dismay, nervous grasping her fingers until John held them in his and gave her the holodisc.

"What is this?" She murmured

"Oh don't be so coy, you know very well what it is. I can leave the room if you wish to see it on your own" John shrugged, feigning disinterest but deep down he held his breath. This was it: She either needed him or didn't.

Rose yanked him towards her, clasping her hands around his; she swayed her head in confusion then more furiously. Tears were welling up in her eyes, John 'Gaius' Smithson simply stroked her cheek, sighing in defeat.

"Okay, here we go" John lamented before taking back the holodisc, he smoothed his index finger 90 degrees around the rim and it buzzed into life. After placing it on the floor he stood back.

An illustrious blue light flickered 6 feet in the air revealing a man doubled over in pain, he was heaving out each breath and Rose found out she was heaving with him. There was a long pause before the Doctor stood straight, sweating and dazed he was a shell of the man she knew.

"I don't know how long I have, don't even know if I'll finish this message to you but I had to....have...to. This is a 'just in case' clause. I'm off to find you but I don't think I got my bearings right. Can happen when you're radioactive, this mind just doesn't...." The Doctor convulsed in agony, the bravado was gone, he looked afraid. Rose was overwrought with despair.

"Damn I wish you were here, he won't like me saying that but he's not feeling what I'm feeling so I can say what I like!" He seethed, scrunching his eyes tightly and focused on controlling the pain.

"It all went a bit pear-shaped after Wolf Bay, Donna has gone home: To save herself she had to forget herself, turned out okay in the end though so....She was right though, I do need someone....to stop me" The Doctor was straining with guilt now but he shook it away.

"You, you don't need to know that, I'm not up to tell that tale just yet especially to you of all people. You were never afraid of me, so many were but you? You were intrigued, excitable....Brilliant" The Doctor shrugged as he stared into space, imagining he was staring at her. Rose smiled and nestled her head against John's.

"I've wanted an awful lot in my life; to go home, to stay human, to be with you – To be with you and say to hell with collapsed galaxies and parallels. But then I remember, I'm a time lord and I have a responsibility to keep lonely, overbearing vigil on eternity....Every so often I get bored and reckless" The doctor reflected morosely, staring down and his shoes this time before kneeling in agony.

" There is the slightest possibilty of a certain timelock being in breach, I suggest gathering the troops; Torchwood perhaps, just as a precaution. What I really want to say is, what I've always thought and never said, I was wrong back then, I was wrong to think it didn't need to saying..._of_ _course_ it does. It should always be said, always....I don't know maybe two hearts meant twice the heartache and I never take that risk ever" The Doctor was jabbering now, leaning into something invisible to their eyes. He had to get it out, once and for all

So he struggled to stand straight and determination gleamed in his eyes and for a moment Rose saw that echo of the doctor she loved so...the selflessness, the steel resolve all of it was dying in front of her.

"I love you with all that two hearts can muster, I was rage and bitterness when we met and I found you that day in the factory but you know what? You really found me, Rose Tyler: the human that made a time lord humble, quite a feat, don't you think?" The Doctor grinned, flinching in the pain

John put an arm around his wife and kissed a trembling hand, he himself was feeling very strange for he was watching his doppelganger die and chills were going up and down his spine as phantoms of the future began to dance on his grave.

"He mentioned radiation, did he say how, when you saw him?" Rose stammered

"No, I couldn't bear to ask, he was still in the recovery stage" John cooed softly and they watched this strange obituary of sorts.

"Second worst thing I've had to do was to say goodbye for it might well have been the last, I'm a coward really but you know me so I don't need to pander you Rose. My dearest Rose....live well, be h-happy" He was heaving again then the hologram suddenly shut down and Rose was shocked with how abruptly it ended.

John held her tight as Rose sobbed in his arms; he rocked her from side to side for the longest time.

"So that's really it then, it's really over" Rose said sadly

"Not quite, he said he'll be back when he's needed" John shrugged as he hid his heartache from her.

"That could be anytime, besides there are better things to do than wait around..." Rose sniffled before affectionately pawing her husband

"Like what?" John inquired

"....Like living, till death us do part and all that" Rose replied contently

"Till death or the doctor you mean?" John frowned, immediately regretting his malice and for the first time Rose saw his pain, saw his lack of confidence and felt rather ashamed of herself.

"No not anymore, never – don't ever think you're second best, the things you've seen and done makes you second to nobody" Rose tried desperately to console him but it was a work in progress

"Except to him of course...He's says he loved you with both his hearts, I thought like that once. Do you mind being loved by only the one...Heart I mean?"

"Well...it's better than nothing!" Rose piped cheerily; John hit her playfully on the arm before scooping her up and kissing her.

Far out in the voids of space the TARDIS soared away, the regenerated doctor veered away from the refuge that no longer belonged to him. His human self was now living his dream and any that came after would not equal it, could not equal the idea of contentment, the idea of spending the rest of his natural life with Rose. As happy as he was for Rose, his envy for his twin unearthed a new level of loneliness.

But the time lord carried on as usual, he always would...He was the Doctor after all


End file.
